Thanks

Maybe it's finally my time. Left in solitude, abandoned by empty memories, dragged down a road of crime fighting, then tossed aside to fend for myself. Yet as I have survived these thirty years of life, a gift was waiting for me. It was behind a veil at first - perhaps that foggy vision assisted in stepping towards it with caution. But as it was finally revealed, I've never felt more blessed. There seems to have been a hole in my heart that I didn't even know existed until it was suddenly filled. Perhaps there is more than this first stage. Perhaps it goes even deeper than this. But for now... I am satisfied with this pace. For now, I feel as though I have a true purpose. Thanks, Bree.

Over

It's over. I'm not sure why I'm writing it here. I should just delete this whole thing. But I guess I've used this space for more than just my mission. Perhaps keeping a small reminder of my foolishness will be good for me anyway.

Reese was right. They were all right. I was right too. Except I didn't think the murderer I was following was really me. Live and learn. I just wish the living and learning didn't hurt so much. Maybe I really am crazy. I don't know. If they try to put me back in Northside though, I think I will go mad. Do I think I woulda been better off had I been allowed to jump from that bridge? Sometimes. I can't deny it. One minute I feel I have a chance at this... at a future. And the next I feel like I haven't gotten very far at all. At least I have friends like Bree. A sweeter, kinder friend I have never known. You're something special, Bree... thank you.

Trying to get back in the groove of things at work. Not going great, but hey, at least I'm there. Better than being stuck alone for months in a lookout shack. I kinda miss Texas sometimes though - at least in solitude I had control over my own time. Speaking of Texas, we're with ya, Mick. Dylan's out there somewhere.

Three

The apartment felt small tonight. I don't normally write so soon after having written, but I got a call earlier. They said Parks is dead. Been dead three years. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my parents' killer may not even be around anymore to bring to justice. He will stand before God one day, to be sure. But it just doesn't feel good enough right now. Then the question remains - have I even been going for the right man? My target has changed so many times, it seems, that I wonder who it is that I'm searching for. Maybe it's me. Maybe my hope is to find a piece of the past, my past, and somehow recall who I am.

My gut tells me that the man is still out there. Somewhere. Running free, when he should be hung for taking two innocent lives... make that three.

I don't know where this road is leading me. But be it lonely or stormy or raging with fury, I will find my man... and my past. And now I need to find a stick of gum.

Streets

Back out on the street. Well, to an apartment, really. Never did really get settled there in the first place so I'll still be sleeping on an air mattress, surrounded by boxes. At least I'm no longer on guard. Not that I minded it. I think I'm gonna miss hanging out with Scott. But praise be, he has been released and is free. Free in body, at least. I wonder about his mind sometimes - there is still a lot of crap he's got to wade through. But now he can get back to work and start feeling like a man again. Me, I guess I've got to rediscover my niche back at the desk. If I could afford time off to pursue my own venture I would, but as it sits, I am still engrossed in nighttime visits to old records and files that have so far led down a trillion and one dead end streets.

Fading

My friend is fading. Not physically. Not mentally. Perhaps it is emotionally.

I see his body stronger, though notice he will never be the same. I see his mind healing, though I notice that will never be the same either. He's been dealt an injustice. No one can say why. Surely good will come of it sometime, but I wish we could see it now. I burn with an anger nothing can snuff out, but the thought of bringing justice and demanding from those, that which they took from my friend.

Improvements come everyday. I should notice - I'm here 24/7. On guard, on duty, but weary. We get along well, but I'm sorry we're in this state. I want this to be over - how must he feel? I can't imagine. He is eating. He is strengthening. But his eyes are gray... they see beyond the rain-streaked window to a horizon just out of his reach. Will it always be out of his reach?

Don't give up, Scott. It's not over yet.

Perspectives

The pain of bringing thoughts to the surface... the pain of discovering oneself... and exposing the feelings to the world. Shelter seems better... safer.

Too much time to think. Too much time to ponder. I begin to wonder where I'm really headed. Who am I? Where are my goals? My hidden dreams are in danger of being blown to the wind. Do I scramble to preserve their presence, or let them go? I know my words contradict what I feel. I know I've been misread and misinterpreted. Why then does outside influence still hurt? For I should know what's inside me and I should know if they are wrong or right. But what kind of impression have I given to lead them to those conclusions about me? And does it really matter? Why should someone else's opinion affect me at all? It's a silly notion and one that should mean nothing. Do I not have enough confidence in myself to rebel and know that I know what's inside better than anybody else, no matter their degrees or status? My purpose eludes me.

Sorry, Reese. You don't know what's really going through my head.

Stuck

You'd think a guy could catch a break just once. Well, not when your name is Brent Franklin. Just a simple trip back to Texas to pick up my stuff and get someone else settled at my post, right? Shouldn't take more than a day or two, right? Uh-huh. I guess the guys down in Arizona didn't think I needed to get back to base in a timely manner. How come I always get blamed for being late?

Even then, when I finally did get back on the road, I had two flat tires, one maniac taxi driver, I got called in to the Arizona base for a week, then my car broke down once I left there. Is Someone trying to tell me something, or what? Sorry Reese, guess I forgot to call... again.

Things are too hectic right now anyway. Sure am glad Angel wound up well and back at the ranch, but now it's Katie that has us worried. Hang in there, kiddo. They'll get you out. I may be stuck on the road, but I'm still praying.

Stars

Australia was a success. Thank God. I heard a murmur today that the discovered antidote may very well be working. Hang in there, Angel.

My cubicle has become cozier. Though this week I will start to look for my own place in earnest. Though I'll need to fly back to Texas to get my things and set stuff up for the new guy, it will only take a couple days and I'll be back here for good. Then the real work will start. But I think I'm ready to get back into that groove.

The stars were out last night. The roof of TJY is a great spot for sitting with a telescope. If Reese knew, he'd probably kill me. But so far the secret is safe. Being under the night sky to admire the shimmering lights is too good not to pass up. Though what would really be nice is a weekend out in the foothills away from the distracting city lights. Maybe soon...

Living quarters

Sleeping on a cold floor, in a cramped cubicle space is not all it's cracked up to be. Trust me. Oh, a fluffy pillow donated by Susanne helps, I'll admit that. But when I said I missed my cubicle, I didn't mean I missed it this much!

Time ticks slowly when waiting for an antidote. No word. Just waiting. Angel is the same. Having gotten to know her at the ranch, I'm feeling a bit bad for her. Praying that the search team is safe.

Until something changes, I'm stuck here on the floor for a while. I could go sack out at Jason's, but I'm afraid of Trooper. Reese offered to let me stay in his spare room, but living with my boss just don't seem right. Wyatt would have had me to his place, but he's got Ty there. I asked Laura if I could come stay with her, but I got a whack to the arm along with her resounding "no." Guess I need to work on my humor gauge.

I can come back!

Being here at TJY feels strange after having been gone for so long. But it's like a piece of me that's been missing. I've missed the people... the interaction... the busy days. After arriving with the guys from the ranch, I discovered Reese was now in charge. Fancy that. They change chiefs around here like I change underwear - though I'm hoping Reese will stick around for a while now. Apparently he didn't realize I was still in Texas. Guess I know now that he doesn't read this blog. Freedom! I can say whatever I want on here!

Seriously though, he's transfering me back to base and that sure does feel good. Some other guy will get to be the lucky one to go hang out at the ranch. But as for me... after dropping the Texas group back off again, I'll be back with a real life. Well... once I get settled, get an apartment, get a car... Oh, my cubicle, I have missed you!

Now that's interesting

Whoa, dude, Jason is chief? What have I missed? Can I come back to Nevada now? Please? I promise to be good! At the very least would somebody please keep me updated? Hello! Over here! Somebody? ...Anybody?

I think they forgot about me.

Just me

Scared myself looking in the mirror today. Thought there was some grizzly woodsman intruder. But after a second glance, I realized that it was indeed myself. My neglected hairstyle has run amuck, almost all the way down to my shoulders. Not to worry though, I didn’t let my full beard get that far – I’ve kept it trimmed. I do have some sense of style… maybe. Jeff made fun of me the other day. I told him I wanted to return to Nevada and give a few old friends heart attacks. He told me that it wouldn't take an old friend to do that - anybody would have a heart attack seeing the likes of me. I promptly put him in a headlock. The argument was short-lived. Yours truly won. Reminded me of the good ol' days, wrestling with Con. When I get back to Nevada, IF I ever get back there, it'll be different not having the big guy around the office.

Sandwich

Does anybody know how to warm up a hot pocket on an open fire?! Susanne, I miss those little meals you used to bring me!

Today was long. Tomorrow will be longer. Tonight is in between. It is a sandwich day.

Zap zip kaploo

Here I sit. Just me and my computers. Okay, so they’re TJY’s computers. They should be mine though, with as much time as I’ve spend with them, right?

TJY’s in a mess. Austin, what are you thinking? And where has Carter gone? Guess he knows how to drop off the face of the earth. Ever wonder how that’s done? I can’t even find a toe, let alone the earth’s face.

Me, I like looking for the stars. Who cares about where the earth is… I want to touch that night sky and explore its wonders.

Had a few stars of my own last night. Well… okay, so they were sparks. Alright, so it was my fault. I crossed too many wires. Zap, zip, kaploo…. Smoke. Not good. Sorry, Scott. Er, Dalton. Er… Scott. Somebody. Anybody. Hello????

Alone

Austin has gone back to Nevada. Would you believe it’s just me now? Me, Mr. Blue jay and Mr. Squirrel. All one big happy family.

Been a while. The weather has been a bit chilly. Thankfully I haven’t run out of firewood. It’s strange being alone here. I thought it was quiet with just one or two others around. With just me, I can hear my own thoughts. Some are quiet. Some are deep. Others are utterly insane.

By the way, did you know that if you’re trying to make s’mores, it’s really not a good idea to do them inside while you’re sitting on a rug? Sticky. Very sticky.

On your side

Go get ‘em, Hotshot. And don’t forget to take your Hero along. I don’t care what Austin says either. Not that I’m supposed to even know about your little planned adventure. But know that you’re not the only ones on your side. As a matter of fact, probably the whole of TJY, except the leadership, is at the moment. Bring Scott home.

Dismal

It rained tonight. A light rain, but a cold rain.

Pete left two weeks ago to assist in a mission down in Arizona. Carter thought he’d best be used there instead. It’s just down to Austin and me now. Things have turned rather dismal. I need to remember God’s in control of this whole mess.

Scott

The Lord take you into His arms, Scott. Miss you.

Camera trouble

Alright, so camera seven has gone completely kaput. Reese, where’s that replacement you were going to send me?! Susanne, what sort of secretary are you? You’re supposed to keep the boss in line!

No, I’m not going to make due by taking a regular camera and going and snapping stillshots of nothingness. I’ll probably end up walking over to the east ridge just to find that the squirrel has been at work yet again. On my way back, I’m going to steal Pete’s car just to freak him out. Won’t that be fun?

Hearts

Weddings are always nice. Especially when I get to see a few old faces.

Yeah, been quite a while since I’ve jotted anything down. Mostly been going over cases that Reese has got me on. He finally decided I could at least do some research for TJY. Lots and lots has happened since then. Well… at least in the world of Nevada. Here, it’s been relatively quiet.

Today though I got to see Scott. He wasn’t all that thrilled with the mess over here, but it was worth it to see his can of Mountain Dew again. Jason seemed a bit preoccupied, but I supposed I would be too if I had a pretty little thing like Camryn hanging on my arm.

Mick and Rosetta seem extremely happy. Everything I do is from a distance. But I see things. Yes… I see hearts.

Justice

Ever wonder what you’d do if someone you knew went to prison? Now I know. You look at it from a distance with a deeper concern than ever before. Where is justice?

Great black sky

Jamie, you’re in our prayers. Glad you’re okay.

Stuck behind this computer all day, I get time to think a lot. Too much, maybe. Interacting some with the ranch has gotten me out of my little hole, and given me something to do. I don’t get in anybody’s way, or at least try not to, but Jeff’s been showing me a few things about the horses and it’s been one outlet for me.

Last night was spent under the stars. No, Austin and Pete didn’t kick me out, even though they might have wanted to. It was by choice. Just me and the great black sky. Millions of stars. It’s amazing how much you can see out here.

Not my fault!

It’s the blue jay, I tell you! He’s the one messing with the camera! I mean… ON the camera! Scott, I swear it wasn’t me!!!

Thick of things

Ever notice that no matter how slow your own world seems to turn, the rest of it just keeps on going at the same speed? It’s like you wake up one day, and wham! Everything has changed.

A ton of stuff going on in Nevada. Not that I want to be in the thick of all the kidnappings, soap operas and car wrecks.

Okay, so my sarcasm gets the best of me. Really, I wish I could be there where I could be doing some good and helping out. Instead, I’m watching the same cameras day in and day out, while nothing happens. The Agency has moved on. Unfortunately, I haven’t.

Hey, Carter! Want to trade places?!

Newsy

Conrad has gone back to Nevada. I miss the big guy. Austin says he might be back. My guess is he won’t be. I’m dying to get back to base myself. But this is what I get paid to do.

What I do NOT get paid to do is burn the macaroni and cheese. Probably a good thing. Otherwise I might do it more often. And if I did, Pete would probably kill me. And that would not be a good thing.

I’ve learned a lot since I’ve been in Texas. Whatever you do, do not agree to loan out your pillow. Big guys drool. Do not trust the tech guy when he can’t actually see what you’re doing. (No, do not put your finger in that socket. Scott, buddy, next time, just say no. I will obey.) Never forget the open bag of potato chips outside – the raccoon WILL return.

I said I would miss the country. I will. But today is a day I miss home. Hang in there, Katie. We’re rooting for ya.

Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.

Too long

It’s been too long since I’ve gotten involved in church. I’m feeling it. Starting in on this job, I thought I could handle it for a while. Out in the boondocks. No society to bog me down. Just me and the fresh, clean air…

But I’m craving the interaction in worship. Been invited to join the ranch gang this Sunday. I think I will take them up on it.

Oops

Susanne! Where have all my sorted files gone?! I need your expertise!

…Yeah, so… I lost a few things. Carter doesn’t know yet. Austin doesn’t know yet. Reese doesn’t know yet. Let’s see if I can keep it that way.

In the saddle

Jason is back in Nevada, recovering after his bout in Alaska. Austin’s hanging around the ranch more and more – Con too. Pete and I hang out here mostly, getting on each other’s nerves, but hanging in there. I’ve been taking more walks. Haven’t had to keep an eye on the cameras quite as often lately. I’m learning these woods pretty well by now though. Ran into Mick yesterday – he was out with a horse. Wound up getting me in the saddle. Think I might try that sport again sometime.

Grace

A shooting star. Such a little thing. But it reminds me of the vastness of space, and how much greater is the grace of God. And that is the thought for the day.

Immersed

You’d think I’d be writing more now, after things have been so quiet. But my lack of motivation has gotten me in more ways than one. I’m pretty good at playing solitaire on the computer now. ‘Course, Carter’s been sending me all sorts of fun stuff to investigate.

I hear Katie’s doing well around the office. Heard from Wyatt about that – I think he’s taken with her. Can’t blame the guy. Jason’s been a mess. Turned down by his girl, took off for a case in Alaska. Lucky dog. I’m still stuck back here in this little cabin.

Got its good side though. I liked nature before. Now I’ve been immersed in it and am realizing that when I do go back home some day, it’s going to be harder than I thought.