Thanks

Maybe it's finally my time. Left in solitude, abandoned by empty memories, dragged down a road of crime fighting, then tossed aside to fend for myself. Yet as I have survived these thirty years of life, a gift was waiting for me. It was behind a veil at first - perhaps that foggy vision assisted in stepping towards it with caution. But as it was finally revealed, I've never felt more blessed. There seems to have been a hole in my heart that I didn't even know existed until it was suddenly filled. Perhaps there is more than this first stage. Perhaps it goes even deeper than this. But for now... I am satisfied with this pace. For now, I feel as though I have a true purpose. Thanks, Bree.

Over

It's over. I'm not sure why I'm writing it here. I should just delete this whole thing. But I guess I've used this space for more than just my mission. Perhaps keeping a small reminder of my foolishness will be good for me anyway.

Reese was right. They were all right. I was right too. Except I didn't think the murderer I was following was really me. Live and learn. I just wish the living and learning didn't hurt so much. Maybe I really am crazy. I don't know. If they try to put me back in Northside though, I think I will go mad. Do I think I woulda been better off had I been allowed to jump from that bridge? Sometimes. I can't deny it. One minute I feel I have a chance at this... at a future. And the next I feel like I haven't gotten very far at all. At least I have friends like Bree. A sweeter, kinder friend I have never known. You're something special, Bree... thank you.

Trying to get back in the groove of things at work. Not going great, but hey, at least I'm there. Better than being stuck alone for months in a lookout shack. I kinda miss Texas sometimes though - at least in solitude I had control over my own time. Speaking of Texas, we're with ya, Mick. Dylan's out there somewhere.

Three

The apartment felt small tonight. I don't normally write so soon after having written, but I got a call earlier. They said Parks is dead. Been dead three years. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my parents' killer may not even be around anymore to bring to justice. He will stand before God one day, to be sure. But it just doesn't feel good enough right now. Then the question remains - have I even been going for the right man? My target has changed so many times, it seems, that I wonder who it is that I'm searching for. Maybe it's me. Maybe my hope is to find a piece of the past, my past, and somehow recall who I am.

My gut tells me that the man is still out there. Somewhere. Running free, when he should be hung for taking two innocent lives... make that three.

I don't know where this road is leading me. But be it lonely or stormy or raging with fury, I will find my man... and my past. And now I need to find a stick of gum.

Streets

Back out on the street. Well, to an apartment, really. Never did really get settled there in the first place so I'll still be sleeping on an air mattress, surrounded by boxes. At least I'm no longer on guard. Not that I minded it. I think I'm gonna miss hanging out with Scott. But praise be, he has been released and is free. Free in body, at least. I wonder about his mind sometimes - there is still a lot of crap he's got to wade through. But now he can get back to work and start feeling like a man again. Me, I guess I've got to rediscover my niche back at the desk. If I could afford time off to pursue my own venture I would, but as it sits, I am still engrossed in nighttime visits to old records and files that have so far led down a trillion and one dead end streets.

Fading

My friend is fading. Not physically. Not mentally. Perhaps it is emotionally.

I see his body stronger, though notice he will never be the same. I see his mind healing, though I notice that will never be the same either. He's been dealt an injustice. No one can say why. Surely good will come of it sometime, but I wish we could see it now. I burn with an anger nothing can snuff out, but the thought of bringing justice and demanding from those, that which they took from my friend.

Improvements come everyday. I should notice - I'm here 24/7. On guard, on duty, but weary. We get along well, but I'm sorry we're in this state. I want this to be over - how must he feel? I can't imagine. He is eating. He is strengthening. But his eyes are gray... they see beyond the rain-streaked window to a horizon just out of his reach. Will it always be out of his reach?

Don't give up, Scott. It's not over yet.

Perspectives

The pain of bringing thoughts to the surface... the pain of discovering oneself... and exposing the feelings to the world. Shelter seems better... safer.

Too much time to think. Too much time to ponder. I begin to wonder where I'm really headed. Who am I? Where are my goals? My hidden dreams are in danger of being blown to the wind. Do I scramble to preserve their presence, or let them go? I know my words contradict what I feel. I know I've been misread and misinterpreted. Why then does outside influence still hurt? For I should know what's inside me and I should know if they are wrong or right. But what kind of impression have I given to lead them to those conclusions about me? And does it really matter? Why should someone else's opinion affect me at all? It's a silly notion and one that should mean nothing. Do I not have enough confidence in myself to rebel and know that I know what's inside better than anybody else, no matter their degrees or status? My purpose eludes me.

Sorry, Reese. You don't know what's really going through my head.

Stuck

You'd think a guy could catch a break just once. Well, not when your name is Brent Franklin. Just a simple trip back to Texas to pick up my stuff and get someone else settled at my post, right? Shouldn't take more than a day or two, right? Uh-huh. I guess the guys down in Arizona didn't think I needed to get back to base in a timely manner. How come I always get blamed for being late?

Even then, when I finally did get back on the road, I had two flat tires, one maniac taxi driver, I got called in to the Arizona base for a week, then my car broke down once I left there. Is Someone trying to tell me something, or what? Sorry Reese, guess I forgot to call... again.

Things are too hectic right now anyway. Sure am glad Angel wound up well and back at the ranch, but now it's Katie that has us worried. Hang in there, kiddo. They'll get you out. I may be stuck on the road, but I'm still praying.

Stars

Australia was a success. Thank God. I heard a murmur today that the discovered antidote may very well be working. Hang in there, Angel.

My cubicle has become cozier. Though this week I will start to look for my own place in earnest. Though I'll need to fly back to Texas to get my things and set stuff up for the new guy, it will only take a couple days and I'll be back here for good. Then the real work will start. But I think I'm ready to get back into that groove.

The stars were out last night. The roof of TJY is a great spot for sitting with a telescope. If Reese knew, he'd probably kill me. But so far the secret is safe. Being under the night sky to admire the shimmering lights is too good not to pass up. Though what would really be nice is a weekend out in the foothills away from the distracting city lights. Maybe soon...

Living quarters

Sleeping on a cold floor, in a cramped cubicle space is not all it's cracked up to be. Trust me. Oh, a fluffy pillow donated by Susanne helps, I'll admit that. But when I said I missed my cubicle, I didn't mean I missed it this much!

Time ticks slowly when waiting for an antidote. No word. Just waiting. Angel is the same. Having gotten to know her at the ranch, I'm feeling a bit bad for her. Praying that the search team is safe.

Until something changes, I'm stuck here on the floor for a while. I could go sack out at Jason's, but I'm afraid of Trooper. Reese offered to let me stay in his spare room, but living with my boss just don't seem right. Wyatt would have had me to his place, but he's got Ty there. I asked Laura if I could come stay with her, but I got a whack to the arm along with her resounding "no." Guess I need to work on my humor gauge.

I can come back!

Being here at TJY feels strange after having been gone for so long. But it's like a piece of me that's been missing. I've missed the people... the interaction... the busy days. After arriving with the guys from the ranch, I discovered Reese was now in charge. Fancy that. They change chiefs around here like I change underwear - though I'm hoping Reese will stick around for a while now. Apparently he didn't realize I was still in Texas. Guess I know now that he doesn't read this blog. Freedom! I can say whatever I want on here!

Seriously though, he's transfering me back to base and that sure does feel good. Some other guy will get to be the lucky one to go hang out at the ranch. But as for me... after dropping the Texas group back off again, I'll be back with a real life. Well... once I get settled, get an apartment, get a car... Oh, my cubicle, I have missed you!

Now that's interesting

Whoa, dude, Jason is chief? What have I missed? Can I come back to Nevada now? Please? I promise to be good! At the very least would somebody please keep me updated? Hello! Over here! Somebody? ...Anybody?

I think they forgot about me.

Just me

Scared myself looking in the mirror today. Thought there was some grizzly woodsman intruder. But after a second glance, I realized that it was indeed myself. My neglected hairstyle has run amuck, almost all the way down to my shoulders. Not to worry though, I didn’t let my full beard get that far – I’ve kept it trimmed. I do have some sense of style… maybe. Jeff made fun of me the other day. I told him I wanted to return to Nevada and give a few old friends heart attacks. He told me that it wouldn't take an old friend to do that - anybody would have a heart attack seeing the likes of me. I promptly put him in a headlock. The argument was short-lived. Yours truly won. Reminded me of the good ol' days, wrestling with Con. When I get back to Nevada, IF I ever get back there, it'll be different not having the big guy around the office.

Sandwich

Does anybody know how to warm up a hot pocket on an open fire?! Susanne, I miss those little meals you used to bring me!

Today was long. Tomorrow will be longer. Tonight is in between. It is a sandwich day.