Fall

Letting go. Such a simple thing to say. Yet insanely difficult. Is it truly the only path to restoration? Is it truly the only way to find peace? If it is, why can I not seem to pry loose my grip on this eternally loathsome subject? I hate it, yet I remain with a death grip on the insanity, unwilling to turn my back. Is it because it is so important? Or is it because I'm not strong enough to do what I must?

I trust the minds of others. The clarity. The wisdom. My own mind is too clouded with an angry ocean of emotions, trying to swallow my very being. They want me to let go. They want me to heal. They want me to rise above the fog and live. Yet I remain here. Why?

Answers. Do they even really exist? If they do not, I have lived in vain. How can I live out the remainder of my life in search of that which will never bring peace? Perhaps I have been further swallowed by insanity than I imagined. Perhaps the darkness is not as pleasant as first thought.

All I need to do is close my eyes and fall. What lies at the bottom, only time can reveal. Maybe the journey is not as bad as I once thought. For at least my love holds my hand.

Darkness

Sometimes I like the dark. It hides the bad. The tears. The unwanted. The fear. Some people are afraid of the dark. But not me. It's like a warm blanket to shield from everything that harms. Without darkness, one would never be able to see the stars.

My perspectives are different than most. I don't know why. Was I always this way? Or only after the accident? I wish I could remember. The darkness hides that, too. Those are the only dark moments I don't like. The moments when I want to remember so badly, I could scream. Or walk off a bridge. It's not that I dislike what I've got, or that the world is such a bad place. The light of my life lives here. But sometimes I get so tired. So tired of fighting off the obsession. It craves answers - answers that seem to be non-existent. But if I walked off a bridge, I'd finally know. But I'd leave behind the light of my life. And I can't.

It never ends - this circle of light and dark. People count the days by sunrises and sunsets. I count the days by the moon and stars. The night sky is my sky. It's dark. It hides the tears.

Insanity

I've learned it's not so much a question of whether or not the insanity has invaded...but a question of whether or not I will embrace it. I've lived with doubts. Fears. Anxiety. And just a bit of insanity. All have crept into my veins like a lethal injection, spreading to my soul. But as the darkness grows, I wonder...is it really so dark?

I wander my dreams like a wolf following prey. Still looking, hunting, for that one sign. That one clue. For so long, it has kept me at arm's length from the world as I scarce can see through that darkness. But if I open my eyes. Awake from the dream. Can I see both the darkness and light?

Insanity has its advantages. It is freeing. Exhilarating. A necessity to seeing the light among the shadows.

Losing

The constant ticking of the clock becomes despised. The time keeper mocks me as it continues its course without pause. Each second gone is one more second lost, never to be regained or revisited. Gone. We truly are but mist in the wind, here for such a fleeting moment, it would seem foolish to think we are able to change the world. For the world never stops turning, even when its people mourn death. The sun rises each day, but so, too, does night fall each night. They say to look forward to the new morning, but I know what follows. The shadows always come. The darkness. Clouds cover the moon, leaving the earth in a blanket of black. The soul cannot help but panic. But I cry out only into my pillow where the agony is muffled. Some live in blissful ignorance. I live where the ignorance has shattered and cannot be repaired. The bliss is gone. For I know the evils of the world. I have tasted the bitterness of what the world has to offer. The vortex of madness awaits my arrival. Still I cling to the sliver of light that produces a single drop of hope. But my strength grows weak. Madness seems not as loathed as before.

A mirror despised

Undeserving. That's the only word I can use to describe how I feel when I see my love walk into the room. The way she looks at me sends chills down my spine. Her kiss is heaven. Her touch, pure bliss. She knows not that she is the one piece that keeps me from tumbling over the edge into insanity.

I despise looking in the mirror. Seeing myself. A man who cannot free himself of his past. A past that remains so foggy that the effort of trying to see through it expends all energy. But why? Why am I tormented so? Why can I not let go of what I should? Because I still do not know if my parents' death was my fault or not. Either they were murdered by the hands of the enemy, or murdered by me. I thought I had conquered my fears. I thought I had survived my own insanity to rise above and live again. Yet now I find myself in the dark valley, looking up to find the stars too far out of reach.

Eye of the Storm

Bliss. Pure bliss. Maybe it's just the eye of the storm. But if that's the case, I can now walk through the second half of the storm, holding the hand of the one I love.

Though the shadows remain in the nightmarish corners of my mind, there is a light she has always possessed. And I cannot help but have hope. Perhaps replacing the bad with good is what I can do to finally escape the darkness.

Pitiful

If it's all based on a dream... yet parts are real... how must the dreamer decipher what is reality and what is not? I knew beyond a doubt I'd been right all along. Then I knew beyond a doubt I'd been wrong. Where is the truth? What will shed light on this ongoing nightmare?

I thought I had escaped.

The shadows have returned. The sunlight is fading once again. A monster rises to attack and devour, leaving behind a path of torturous pitfalls for the weary traveler who does not watch his step. I once stared down into the abyss, wishing for freedom from the chains with which life had bound me. I believed that nightmare had been my doing - my fault.

I now stare down into the abyss once more, again wishing for freedom. But this time it's a freedom of this ongoing war. This ongoing obsession. My mind cannot release the past and let the dead remain buried. My heart cannot see through the fog to the other side where surely there is peace.

Perhaps the nightmare that blamed me for the tragedy was only an imaginative way to explain the unexplainable. Perhaps I had been right all along. And my attempt to escape is left even more worthless, making this voyager all the more pitiful.

To what end?

Questions without answers will be the never-ending plague of my contorted mind. To want to live is to lie in rest. But where is rest when every moment is hounded with those same unanswered questions?

To have triumphed over the desire for death is a victory great. Never will I desire the same again. Yet even without the desire, the nightmare lurks. It taunts and jeers, luring me towards investigations which were already once my downfall.

Do I go? Do I stay? Do I give in to the beckonings? The soft voice that calls me back to the forbidden?

Within the walls of my mind, I wait. My love is by my side, ever watchful, but I cannot share this burden. To do so would be to mar the beauty of a rose, and that, I cannot willingly do. No, this remains my own trial... my own test. But without answers, where do I turn?

Ever passing

It never slows, never stops, never reverses. Life. Funny how it works sometimes. I've been up, down, side to side and upside-down. A plateau would seem to bring peace, and it has in a way. But with it comes the stress of work and an overload of tasks as we fight for justice. I wonder sometimes where justice is for us, when we kill ourselves working for others. Never would I begrudge another human their rights or selfishly deny helping those in need. But my mind wonders, once in a while, if what we do really does matter. In the big picture of life, looking the world over - do my tasks on the Elite force really even put a dent in the horror people face on a daily basis?

My life has slowed. Ironic. Busy pace but steady. I have a hand to hold and a heart to love. A future with this life-saver? Rescued from the monster of greed, her legacy will be survival.

But no one knows of the shadows that continue to ravage my mind. They know not the nightmares that never really ceased, but only lurked for a while out of sight until once again rearing their ugly heads. It is I, the guilty one, that must pay dearly for past misdeeds. I must pay with the nightmares, confusion, guilt and the lie that perhaps I really am innocent. The days of my life are like breaths of fresh air, even in the heat of battle. While the nights are dreaded as the sun disappears. Hope would say it takes time. But even her own sun is setting. Where will we be without one of the few pure hearts left?

I dreamed of the red pickup again last night.

Hang on, Bree

And when blessings come, soon to follow are the trials. Why it works this way, I don't know. But I wish it was my own trial and not involving that of the one who I care about. There is an evil in this world... and evil called greed. And I'll be hanged if I let it win. No... this time the truth will prevail if I have to die in the process. They won't win this one.

Thanks

Maybe it's finally my time. Left in solitude, abandoned by empty memories, dragged down a road of crime fighting, then tossed aside to fend for myself. Yet as I have survived these thirty years of life, a gift was waiting for me. It was behind a veil at first - perhaps that foggy vision assisted in stepping towards it with caution. But as it was finally revealed, I've never felt more blessed. There seems to have been a hole in my heart that I didn't even know existed until it was suddenly filled. Perhaps there is more than this first stage. Perhaps it goes even deeper than this. But for now... I am satisfied with this pace. For now, I feel as though I have a true purpose. Thanks, Bree.

Over

It's over. I'm not sure why I'm writing it here. I should just delete this whole thing. But I guess I've used this space for more than just my mission. Perhaps keeping a small reminder of my foolishness will be good for me anyway.

Reese was right. They were all right. I was right too. Except I didn't think the murderer I was following was really me. Live and learn. I just wish the living and learning didn't hurt so much. Maybe I really am crazy. I don't know. If they try to put me back in Northside though, I think I will go mad. Do I think I woulda been better off had I been allowed to jump from that bridge? Sometimes. I can't deny it. One minute I feel I have a chance at this... at a future. And the next I feel like I haven't gotten very far at all. At least I have friends like Bree. A sweeter, kinder friend I have never known. You're something special, Bree... thank you.

Trying to get back in the groove of things at work. Not going great, but hey, at least I'm there. Better than being stuck alone for months in a lookout shack. I kinda miss Texas sometimes though - at least in solitude I had control over my own time. Speaking of Texas, we're with ya, Mick. Dylan's out there somewhere.

Three

The apartment felt small tonight. I don't normally write so soon after having written, but I got a call earlier. They said Parks is dead. Been dead three years. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my parents' killer may not even be around anymore to bring to justice. He will stand before God one day, to be sure. But it just doesn't feel good enough right now. Then the question remains - have I even been going for the right man? My target has changed so many times, it seems, that I wonder who it is that I'm searching for. Maybe it's me. Maybe my hope is to find a piece of the past, my past, and somehow recall who I am.

My gut tells me that the man is still out there. Somewhere. Running free, when he should be hung for taking two innocent lives... make that three.

I don't know where this road is leading me. But be it lonely or stormy or raging with fury, I will find my man... and my past. And now I need to find a stick of gum.

Streets

Back out on the street. Well, to an apartment, really. Never did really get settled there in the first place so I'll still be sleeping on an air mattress, surrounded by boxes. At least I'm no longer on guard. Not that I minded it. I think I'm gonna miss hanging out with Scott. But praise be, he has been released and is free. Free in body, at least. I wonder about his mind sometimes - there is still a lot of crap he's got to wade through. But now he can get back to work and start feeling like a man again. Me, I guess I've got to rediscover my niche back at the desk. If I could afford time off to pursue my own venture I would, but as it sits, I am still engrossed in nighttime visits to old records and files that have so far led down a trillion and one dead end streets.

Fading

My friend is fading. Not physically. Not mentally. Perhaps it is emotionally.

I see his body stronger, though notice he will never be the same. I see his mind healing, though I notice that will never be the same either. He's been dealt an injustice. No one can say why. Surely good will come of it sometime, but I wish we could see it now. I burn with an anger nothing can snuff out, but the thought of bringing justice and demanding from those, that which they took from my friend.

Improvements come everyday. I should notice - I'm here 24/7. On guard, on duty, but weary. We get along well, but I'm sorry we're in this state. I want this to be over - how must he feel? I can't imagine. He is eating. He is strengthening. But his eyes are gray... they see beyond the rain-streaked window to a horizon just out of his reach. Will it always be out of his reach?

Don't give up, Scott. It's not over yet.

Perspectives

The pain of bringing thoughts to the surface... the pain of discovering oneself... and exposing the feelings to the world. Shelter seems better... safer.

Too much time to think. Too much time to ponder. I begin to wonder where I'm really headed. Who am I? Where are my goals? My hidden dreams are in danger of being blown to the wind. Do I scramble to preserve their presence, or let them go? I know my words contradict what I feel. I know I've been misread and misinterpreted. Why then does outside influence still hurt? For I should know what's inside me and I should know if they are wrong or right. But what kind of impression have I given to lead them to those conclusions about me? And does it really matter? Why should someone else's opinion affect me at all? It's a silly notion and one that should mean nothing. Do I not have enough confidence in myself to rebel and know that I know what's inside better than anybody else, no matter their degrees or status? My purpose eludes me.

Sorry, Reese. You don't know what's really going through my head.

Stuck

You'd think a guy could catch a break just once. Well, not when your name is Brent Franklin. Just a simple trip back to Texas to pick up my stuff and get someone else settled at my post, right? Shouldn't take more than a day or two, right? Uh-huh. I guess the guys down in Arizona didn't think I needed to get back to base in a timely manner. How come I always get blamed for being late?

Even then, when I finally did get back on the road, I had two flat tires, one maniac taxi driver, I got called in to the Arizona base for a week, then my car broke down once I left there. Is Someone trying to tell me something, or what? Sorry Reese, guess I forgot to call... again.

Things are too hectic right now anyway. Sure am glad Angel wound up well and back at the ranch, but now it's Katie that has us worried. Hang in there, kiddo. They'll get you out. I may be stuck on the road, but I'm still praying.

Stars

Australia was a success. Thank God. I heard a murmur today that the discovered antidote may very well be working. Hang in there, Angel.

My cubicle has become cozier. Though this week I will start to look for my own place in earnest. Though I'll need to fly back to Texas to get my things and set stuff up for the new guy, it will only take a couple days and I'll be back here for good. Then the real work will start. But I think I'm ready to get back into that groove.

The stars were out last night. The roof of TJY is a great spot for sitting with a telescope. If Reese knew, he'd probably kill me. But so far the secret is safe. Being under the night sky to admire the shimmering lights is too good not to pass up. Though what would really be nice is a weekend out in the foothills away from the distracting city lights. Maybe soon...

Living quarters

Sleeping on a cold floor, in a cramped cubicle space is not all it's cracked up to be. Trust me. Oh, a fluffy pillow donated by Susanne helps, I'll admit that. But when I said I missed my cubicle, I didn't mean I missed it this much!

Time ticks slowly when waiting for an antidote. No word. Just waiting. Angel is the same. Having gotten to know her at the ranch, I'm feeling a bit bad for her. Praying that the search team is safe.

Until something changes, I'm stuck here on the floor for a while. I could go sack out at Jason's, but I'm afraid of Trooper. Reese offered to let me stay in his spare room, but living with my boss just don't seem right. Wyatt would have had me to his place, but he's got Ty there. I asked Laura if I could come stay with her, but I got a whack to the arm along with her resounding "no." Guess I need to work on my humor gauge.

I can come back!

Being here at TJY feels strange after having been gone for so long. But it's like a piece of me that's been missing. I've missed the people... the interaction... the busy days. After arriving with the guys from the ranch, I discovered Reese was now in charge. Fancy that. They change chiefs around here like I change underwear - though I'm hoping Reese will stick around for a while now. Apparently he didn't realize I was still in Texas. Guess I know now that he doesn't read this blog. Freedom! I can say whatever I want on here!

Seriously though, he's transfering me back to base and that sure does feel good. Some other guy will get to be the lucky one to go hang out at the ranch. But as for me... after dropping the Texas group back off again, I'll be back with a real life. Well... once I get settled, get an apartment, get a car... Oh, my cubicle, I have missed you!

Now that's interesting

Whoa, dude, Jason is chief? What have I missed? Can I come back to Nevada now? Please? I promise to be good! At the very least would somebody please keep me updated? Hello! Over here! Somebody? ...Anybody?

I think they forgot about me.

Just me

Scared myself looking in the mirror today. Thought there was some grizzly woodsman intruder. But after a second glance, I realized that it was indeed myself. My neglected hairstyle has run amuck, almost all the way down to my shoulders. Not to worry though, I didn’t let my full beard get that far – I’ve kept it trimmed. I do have some sense of style… maybe. Jeff made fun of me the other day. I told him I wanted to return to Nevada and give a few old friends heart attacks. He told me that it wouldn't take an old friend to do that - anybody would have a heart attack seeing the likes of me. I promptly put him in a headlock. The argument was short-lived. Yours truly won. Reminded me of the good ol' days, wrestling with Con. When I get back to Nevada, IF I ever get back there, it'll be different not having the big guy around the office.

Sandwich

Does anybody know how to warm up a hot pocket on an open fire?! Susanne, I miss those little meals you used to bring me!

Today was long. Tomorrow will be longer. Tonight is in between. It is a sandwich day.

Zap zip kaploo

Here I sit. Just me and my computers. Okay, so they’re TJY’s computers. They should be mine though, with as much time as I’ve spend with them, right?

TJY’s in a mess. Austin, what are you thinking? And where has Carter gone? Guess he knows how to drop off the face of the earth. Ever wonder how that’s done? I can’t even find a toe, let alone the earth’s face.

Me, I like looking for the stars. Who cares about where the earth is… I want to touch that night sky and explore its wonders.

Had a few stars of my own last night. Well… okay, so they were sparks. Alright, so it was my fault. I crossed too many wires. Zap, zip, kaploo…. Smoke. Not good. Sorry, Scott. Er, Dalton. Er… Scott. Somebody. Anybody. Hello????

Alone

Austin has gone back to Nevada. Would you believe it’s just me now? Me, Mr. Blue jay and Mr. Squirrel. All one big happy family.

Been a while. The weather has been a bit chilly. Thankfully I haven’t run out of firewood. It’s strange being alone here. I thought it was quiet with just one or two others around. With just me, I can hear my own thoughts. Some are quiet. Some are deep. Others are utterly insane.

By the way, did you know that if you’re trying to make s’mores, it’s really not a good idea to do them inside while you’re sitting on a rug? Sticky. Very sticky.

On your side

Go get ‘em, Hotshot. And don’t forget to take your Hero along. I don’t care what Austin says either. Not that I’m supposed to even know about your little planned adventure. But know that you’re not the only ones on your side. As a matter of fact, probably the whole of TJY, except the leadership, is at the moment. Bring Scott home.

Dismal

It rained tonight. A light rain, but a cold rain.

Pete left two weeks ago to assist in a mission down in Arizona. Carter thought he’d best be used there instead. It’s just down to Austin and me now. Things have turned rather dismal. I need to remember God’s in control of this whole mess.

Scott

The Lord take you into His arms, Scott. Miss you.

Camera trouble

Alright, so camera seven has gone completely kaput. Reese, where’s that replacement you were going to send me?! Susanne, what sort of secretary are you? You’re supposed to keep the boss in line!

No, I’m not going to make due by taking a regular camera and going and snapping stillshots of nothingness. I’ll probably end up walking over to the east ridge just to find that the squirrel has been at work yet again. On my way back, I’m going to steal Pete’s car just to freak him out. Won’t that be fun?

Hearts

Weddings are always nice. Especially when I get to see a few old faces.

Yeah, been quite a while since I’ve jotted anything down. Mostly been going over cases that Reese has got me on. He finally decided I could at least do some research for TJY. Lots and lots has happened since then. Well… at least in the world of Nevada. Here, it’s been relatively quiet.

Today though I got to see Scott. He wasn’t all that thrilled with the mess over here, but it was worth it to see his can of Mountain Dew again. Jason seemed a bit preoccupied, but I supposed I would be too if I had a pretty little thing like Camryn hanging on my arm.

Mick and Rosetta seem extremely happy. Everything I do is from a distance. But I see things. Yes… I see hearts.